Psalm 27:4 "One thing have I desired; that will I seek after. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life."

Posts tagged ‘depression’

Quick Catch Up

I know my blog family has missed me – I’ve missed me too.

I’ve been struggling with the depression a bit over the last couple of weeks.  I ended up with a chest cold after Black Friday – totally explained the massive headache I had that day that I blamed on only one mug of coffee before we left instead of the whole pot!  My SIL and niece were really great about my pooping out – I literally fell asleep on the floor at Loft while they shopped!  Karra kept saying, “Mom, Mom!” so that I would wake up and not fall over and drool or something else equally as embarrassing.  I’m having a deja vue moment – have I told you this already?

Anyway, I saw my doc this morning and she’s upping my dosage  a bit to see if we can bring me back to a more normal level (for me anyway) and get me focusing again.

So . . . .   I have the Christmas cards almost done and I took pictures to post for you (we’ve exeded our Exede, but I’ll try to get them online anyway) and was putting the inserts in last night and then folding the Christmas letter and I ran out of 2-sided tape.  Ugh.  So I sealed up the ones I had gotten done and then realized that I needed to put Kurt’s and Kristen’s birthday pictures in – so I pulled out all of the ones that need pictures so that I can open them up and insert pictures.  I had to find some stickers to help them reseal afterward :p  I’m reduced to using a glue stick to put the rest of the inserts into the Christmas cards.  I’m really happy with how they turned out and in the future I hope I will remember to only print enough Christmas letters to go in the cards that I put the letter into and not for the whole stack of cards I send out!  It cost $40 to get the letter printed – because she cheerfully used a glossy paper stock without asking if that’s what I wanted!!  I should have bought the ink and done them at home – that would have only cost me $45!  Of course, the paper wouldn’t be as nice and I’d have to clean the print head every 10 papers, but I would have only printed the 25 that I need – see, I told you I was having trouble.

I did talk to my Mom late last week and she sounded much better than she did a few days after her partial knee replacement.  She had gotten so discouraged about the therapy machine – 6 HOURS A DAY! and finally told the therapist she wasn’t doing it anymore.  Once the staples were out and weren’t pulling on her skin she could sleep better and she doesn’t have a cane or a walker, so she’s moving around their small house much better.  My Dad sounded really relieved that she was more cheerful (after all he’s the grumpy old fisherman!).

Which brings me around to today.  I was leaving Meijer with a few groceries after my chiropractor and doctor visits when the old phone rings.  “Mom, did you let the chickens out today?”  Um, no.  “Well, Lexi has the rooster and it looks dead.”  Which rooster?   “Not the silky one.”  Ok, breathing can return to normal.  I arrive home and Kristen tells me that Big Foot is okay, but when she found him he was lying on his back with his feet in the air and one leg was shaking.  I was sure I was coming home to a rooster with at least a broken leg.  So, we start investigating to find out how the dogs got the rooster, and it turned out that someone hadn’t pulled the chicken coop door all the way closed this morning after he filled the feed tubes.  The cows had decided to go in and visit the chicken coop – isn’t that a sight, cows INSIDE the chicken coop!  And when the dogs wanted to go outside to run around and bark at the world, they went under the gate and into the pasture to look for tasty morsels of poop and found an open chicken coop with live chickens!  On the positive side we only lost one Barred Rock – it was gross and she was eaten.  The real trauma came when we couldn’t find our silkie, Brik.  He had simply vanished.  We couldn’t even find a feather!  We looked and looked and called and called and no little silkie rooster.  I was about to give up when he sauntered into the barn as calm as could be.  We have no idea where he was hiding out, but it was a good and safe spot.  Big Foot is a traumatized mess – I should get a picture – with a bare spot on his back and only one long tail feather left.  I don’t know how Lexi didn’t kill him, but he must have put up a pretty good fight.  Maybe he won’t flog us anymore.  The hens may not lay for a few days, but most of the harem is still here.  From the original 15 chicks, 2 were roosters, Lady Grace (the surprise bantam hem) died when the weather turned cold, and we’ve lost one hen to dog terror.  11 hens and 2 roosters.  I should look for a couple of Easter eggers to fill in the gaps.

And That’s What’s Happening on the Hobby Farm.

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I CAN Do It All!

As I was scurrying through life yesterday doing laundry, making bread, cutting a pile of old t-shirts into rags (they had cluttered my bedroom and then my laundry room long enough!), and thinking about the school I needed to do with Kurt and things I needed to check for Kristen, and the 1st quarter grades I needed to get together, I realized that I had bought a lie.

The lie that “you can have it all” really is a lie.  And honestly, if we had it all, would we even want it all?  You can’t have it.  Choices have to be made.  Paths diverge in life and you have to take one or the other.  Getting lost in the wilderness between paths only leads to confusion and guilt.  You’re not really sure which path you belong on (or which one is more important) and running between the two leads to neither path being as fulfilling as it could and should have been.  I made my choice of which path to follow and I’ve never regretted it.  I’m doing what I wanted to do.

The opposite of “you can have it all” is the lie that “you can’t DO it all.”  Hmmm.  I’ve listened to that one.  That one has led me down the slow path to depression.  I felt so overwhelmed by everything I couldn’t do.  “You can’t homeschool your kids AND keep your house clean AND cook for your family, too.”  “Something has to give.”  “You have to take time for yourself and just let things go.”  “You can’t garden and raise animals and can and bake . . . . .”  And the list of “you can’ts” goes on and on.

And as the lie built inside of me, it started coming out of my mouth!

“I’m too tired.  I’ll do it later, tomorrow, never.”

“I just don’t have the energy.”

“I’m so tired of this.  I just want to be their Mom.”

“I can do school or I can be Mom . . . I can’t do both.”

Wait a minute!  Who says I can’t?  I’ve been so caught up believing the lie that “I can’t” that I quit even TRYING to do SOMETHING!  I gave in to lazy and undisciplined under the guise of “I can’t do everything.”

But I chose this life.  I desired this life.  I asked for this life.  Granted, I jumped into parenthood, homeschooling and hobby farming completely unprepared for reality, but it’s still what I want to do.  By buying the lie, I totally ignored the Source  of my strength.

“I can do all things through Christ who give me strength.” (Phil. 4:13)

“He who began a good work in you will complete it until the Day of Jesus Christ.” (Phil. 1:6)

“My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory through Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:19)

HE called me to be a Mom.

HE called me to teach my children at home.

HE placed in my selfish heart the desire for the farm and the animals and a garden and orchard.

HE gave me the desire to feed my family well.

And if HE brought me to it, HE will see me through it.  HE will sustain me in my infirmity (tiredness, weakness and lack of energy).

My Source, my Strength, my Energy, my Life.  And He’s not a cosmic force watching from afar.  HE LOVES ME!  He’s right here beside me folding clothes, washing dishes, baking bread, readings books, sweeping floors and cleaning stalls!  I’m free in Him to be me and I can DO IT ALL because HE says I can.  “Whatsoever you do shall prosper.”  (Ps. 1:3b)  I have HIS word on it!

And yesterday I got the school done, the laundry started, the food cooked, the floor swept, the bread made and still had time to paint the chalkboards on the pantry door (DIMS Day!) and the energy for church in the evening!

It’s all in my perspective:  believing the lie or believing the truth.

And That’s What’s Reflecting on the Pond.

 

Rest for my Soul

It’s been a pretty rough week.  Last Wednesday I went to the doctor for what I thought was adrenal fatigue.  She walked in the room, asked how I was, and I started sobbing.  Hmmmm.  She said what she thinks is going on is really stress-induced depression.  She agreed to run some bloodwork and I agreed to start an anti-depressant.  I wish I could say it was a wonder drug that made me feel as happy as prednizone does.  I spent 4 days with a churning stomach and a week of not sleeping well and not wanting to get off of the couch.  Last night at 5pm I got a burst of energy that had me going until 10:30.  I slept well for the 2nd night in a row.

Emotionally I feel pretty neutral.  Not too high, not low, just steady.  I’m a pretty emotional person, usually upbeat.  This nothingness is really strange.

Back at the beginning of the year when I felt like I was starting on a new adventure and taking that 1st step on the journey of a thousand miles, depression was NOT the journey I thought I was facing!  I have a piece of paper beside my bed that I wrote at the beginning of 2013 that says, “Above all else, my God is FAITHFUL!”.  I know that through out whatever lies ahead -medication, counselling- God is with me.  He holds me with His right hand and helps me.  He loves me unconditionally and will see me through each and every step on this journey.  He will make me strong again.  He will cause me to mount up with wings as an eagle.  I will not grow weary in well-doing.  I will not faint along the way.

Two weeks ago before I’d been to the doctor and while I was feeling overwhelmed and incapable I thought of Jesus words in Matthew 11:28-30 (okay, I had to hunt it down, but I did remember reading it in Matthew)  “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

And That’s What’s Happening on the Hobby Farm

P.S.  Kristen took Present away from me; she said the pig is a bad influence on me.

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