Dreams. They’re exciting to hold on to and, oh, so painful to let go of. It’s sad and a little distressing to put your heart’s desire on the altar. So many unknowns. So many ‘what ifs’. What if God says no? What if God takes away this dream I have, this plan I’ve made?
Life with MollyBelle is not going according to my plan. She doesn’t like me, and I have to admit, I haven’t made a connection with her either. In fact, I’m afraid of her. I’m not too thrilled about being kicked and she’s aimed a few my way. The sweet, mini cow isn’t so sweet; she’s intimidating. And those horn buds are cause for nervousness. So, we’ve decided to sell her. And I find myself grieving for that part of my dream. The hobby farm vision was chickens and a milk cow – our own milk, butter, ice cream!, and cheese. I’ve been assured that not all Dexters are as aggressive as Molly & maybe I could find a cow in milk now to give it a try. But I’m not sure. Not yet. I think I need something smaller than me, something woolly that says “baaa” and doesn’t have horns.
In tears I laid my hobby farm dream on the altar yesterday and asked God to show me His plan. Is the hobby farm one of the good things He promised me, or is it a distraction from what he really wants me to do? In Jan Karon’s Mitford books, Father Tim called it the prayer that never fails: “Father, not my will, but Thine be done”. If my hobby farm will never be more than a garden, fruit trees, and some chickens, then, Abba, let me be content.
My reflections on the frozen pond.